Married Jonas Brother Says Sex Not Worth the Wait

This is just so sad. According to the Huffington Post, Kevin Jonas has decided that doing the nasty isn't all it's cracked up to be.

And while the abstinence movement may be jumping for joy (advocating no sex after marriage? Talk about overkill), I actually think Jonas' assessment is a point for sexual liberation.

Consider the following equation:

no sex before marriage = terrible wedding night sex.

I rest my case.

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) - Just days after tying the knot after years of abstinence, Kevin Jonas of the pop sensation the Jonas Brothers stunned his teenaged fans by announcing that "to be honest about it, sex was not worth the wait."

"After we did it, I was kind of like, that's it?" Mr. Jonas told reporters at a New York press conference.

As to whether Mr. Jonas' bride agreed with his "that's it?" assessment, Mr. Jonas remarked, "That's what she said." More here.

Dear God. That's the worst 'that's what she said' ever. Well, here's hoping they make use of their time together and practice. A lot.

UPDATE: The Pumpernickel is an idiot. I just received this email from a former coworker:

Hi Pumpernickel,

Was just checking out Twitter and saw your Jonas post. One thing you might want to know: The Borowitz Report is a satire site, so I don't think any of that is real (unless you know this and your post is a satire, too, in which case I feel really stupid for writing this email.)

Anyway, hope you're doing well,
Eric

The Pumpernickel: 0. The Jonas Brothers: 1. Touche.