The Pope probably didn't play a lot of football as a kid . . .

Ah, Christmas 26th. Otherwise known as the most depressing day of the year to most Americans.

For me, well . . . I'm just glad my friends are finally coming back to their senses. Everyone has been in a trancelike state since November, muttering something or other about stockings, eggnog and good cheer. But fear not, friends. There wasn't a run on the cheer store, and cheer hasn't gone out of fashion. There's still plenty to go around. And now your Jewish neighbors can join in on the fun!

On a serious note, I do hope everyone enjoyed their holiday. Especially you Catholics out there -- I can only imagine the collective gasp taken by the worldwide Catholic community when a crazy lady in Rome mistook the Pope for a defensive end.

And boy oh boy, did Pope Ratzinger go down. Hard. Watch him eat Vatican pavement:



Thank goodness one parishioner wasn't too shaken to stop filming the debacle on his or her cell phone. Where would we be then?

Don't worry, Mr. Pope is A-OK. And now, this little nugget of internet joy is making the cyber-rounds. Perhaps a new internet meme in the making? Something remixed to a techno beat? Just a thought. Merry Christmas, internetphiles!

Married Jonas Brother Says Sex Not Worth the Wait

This is just so sad. According to the Huffington Post, Kevin Jonas has decided that doing the nasty isn't all it's cracked up to be.

And while the abstinence movement may be jumping for joy (advocating no sex after marriage? Talk about overkill), I actually think Jonas' assessment is a point for sexual liberation.

Consider the following equation:

no sex before marriage = terrible wedding night sex.

I rest my case.

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) - Just days after tying the knot after years of abstinence, Kevin Jonas of the pop sensation the Jonas Brothers stunned his teenaged fans by announcing that "to be honest about it, sex was not worth the wait."

"After we did it, I was kind of like, that's it?" Mr. Jonas told reporters at a New York press conference.

As to whether Mr. Jonas' bride agreed with his "that's it?" assessment, Mr. Jonas remarked, "That's what she said." More here.

Dear God. That's the worst 'that's what she said' ever. Well, here's hoping they make use of their time together and practice. A lot.

UPDATE: The Pumpernickel is an idiot. I just received this email from a former coworker:

Hi Pumpernickel,

Was just checking out Twitter and saw your Jonas post. One thing you might want to know: The Borowitz Report is a satire site, so I don't think any of that is real (unless you know this and your post is a satire, too, in which case I feel really stupid for writing this email.)

Anyway, hope you're doing well,
Eric

The Pumpernickel: 0. The Jonas Brothers: 1. Touche.

And you thought the Redskins couldn't get any worse...

I am not a football fan. With few exceptions, I am not a sports fan.

However.

The below video is so sad depressing ridiculous hilarious that it must be shared. Come on, Redskins! I don't know the difference between a down and a drop kick (one involves scoring, right?) and even I can see how screwed up this play was.

According to Yahoo Sports,

"Head coach Jim Zorn opted against the field goal, and instead ran this "trick play." I guess it sort of worked, because it did catch everyone by surprise, but only in the sense that no one ever dreamed it was possible to execute a play that failed this colossally."

Well said.

When Boardwalk and Park Place get snowed in...

What do you do when you're snowed in under 16 inches of snow? Eat and play board games!

However, the only board game in my apartment is a custom Monopoly set from the 1970s. Back in the day, my maternal grandparents owned a store called Fox's Discount in Sunnyside, a neighborhood in Queens, NY.

The Sunnyside Chamber of Commerce made up this board game featuring local businesses, including my grandparents' store.

It was a fun day of chocolate, homemade pasta and brutal Monopoly playing. Apparently, people get competitive when there's fake money on the line. Though I played tough, traded astutely and uttered some truly intimidating smack talk, I was overcome by some obviously more skilled investors. I don't think I have a future in real estate.

At any rate, it was a lovely diversion from the snow piling up outside...

Who says Washington, DC doesn't get snow?