The below Google Chat exchange has got to be one of the oddest online conversations I've ever had. It's testament to the fact that I and my friend, Eric, are truly bizarre people. While normally I would choose to conceal how odd I am, I think the jig is up.
Eric, a former Obama staffer and onetime DC resident, now lives in Los Angeles. He and I are obsessed with the Facebook game, Scramble, and I'd say about 70% of our Google Chats are smack talk. But the other day, we took our chat to another level. One that perhaps could be classified as having just a smidgen of psychosis. I hope you enjoy the following even a fraction as much as I did:
Me: Well, you're dedicated to the art of failing.
Eric: Like, it was awful. I just couldn't see where words would be formed.
Me: Don't worry, though. I think you have much worse failing in you. This is just the beginning.
Eric: Thanks for believing in me. I will kick your ass, literally, one day. Foot to buttocks.
Me: Na na na na boo boo. I'm on the opposite end of the country. Suck it. In case you're interested in knowing (which of course, you are), I'm just listening to "We Are the Champions" on repeat.
Eric: Yeah, but your ass is huge.
Me: Because that's what champions DO. I blend Powerbars into my power smoothies, and then I crunch them up and put a little in my hair to make it extra powerful. Because I am a CHAMPION. And that's what you need to do to stay at peak POWER.
(pause)
I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore. Am I still typing?
Eric: Keep going.
Me: Sorry, sometimes my champion alter ego takes over. Her name is Briana and WHOA is she a bitch.
Eric: Briana is liked by all even though she is a bitch.
Me: Well, she is kinda awesome.
Eric: Well, she is a champion at being a bitch. Because she is a champion at everything.
Me: BRIANA MARWRRWWWAWRRR. Sorry, she's just a tiff under-powerbar-smoothie-ed today.
Eric: It’s alright.
Me: See isn't it funny that I chose the name Briana? You like what I did there? ‘Cause Briana sounds like Brian and that's a dude's name so she's like hyper-masculine and stuff. I'm always thinking.
Eric: No, Briana is always thinking. She even named herself.
Me: THAT’S RIGHT.
Eric: But she lets you think that you had a hand in it. Because she knows how to win.
Me: BRIANA HAS NO MOTHER BECAUSE SHE BIRTHED HERSELF. BRIANA ATE POWERBARS AND SAID 'AND THUS I SHALL BE.’ Whoa, girl. down.
Eric: Hahahahahahaha
Me: Ok, I need to stop cracking myself up.
(pause)
BRIANA HAS THE HUMOR A THOUSAND PRANKS OF ZEUS. THERE SHOULD BE AN "OF" IN THERE.
Eric: Woow. Wowowowow.
Me: BUT BRIANA MAKES NO MISTAKES. THE LACK OF 'OF' MAKES IT FUNNIER. THUS SPOKE BRIANA.
Eric: This has been amazing.
Me: I do what I can.
Eric: I hate to do this, but I need to go. It’s lunchtime.
Me: BRIANA SAYS GOODBYE. GO DRINK A POWER SMOOTHIE BEFORE CHALLENGING THE MAELSTORM OF KNOWLEDGE THAT IS BRIANA! Toodles, Eric!
Eric: Bye BRIANA, and Rachel.
1 comments:
Briana actually has written every word that Mr. T has ever said.
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